Peter Park
My Testimony
I have grown up in the church all my life. My great grandfather was an influential theologian in Korea who passed away a year before I was born. My family called me his heir... his "successor". Though there was my grandpa, dad, and uncle, pressure was put on me by my family to follow his image of moral perfection. In fact, growing up, people would comment on the similarities I had with my great grandfather when it came to character traits and even physical appearance. It boosted my self ego and pride to be an image of our great grandfather that our family and many other pastors had enormous respect for. Where was God in this picture? No where. Christianity, Jesus Christ, the God of the universe, only amounted to this for me-a way to make myself look better. Throughout my life, Christianity was always a means to boost my pride and the way others looked at me. I compared myself to my sister and my cousins and took much pride in being "better off than them" when it comes to "life". Although I wouldn't say that upfront, all I needed to do to win the appeal of others was showing how upright and trustworthy I was when it came to school or church. And honestly, it was quite easy to do so for me.
Who was God to me? He was a distant figure. A figure that will be angry if I upset Him... unless I gave Him a short prayer asking for forgiveness... and all was well. In fact, I've memorized the same prayer I would pray before every meal, and before I'd go to sleep out of routine. I've gotten so good at it, I can pray my "usual prayer" in up 2-3 seconds so that God would "not be angry" at me. My personal view towards my relationship with God was so legalistic. Also, I believed that I was not a bad person... that... .compared to other people in my family, and even in the world, I am nearly spotless. In my view, God couldn't punish me if he wanted to, because my great grandpa would be there to STOP HIM. Because he did so much for the Lord... no way that God would punish his grandchildren!!
Most importantly, I have never took the message of the gospel to heart. It was all legalistic jargon to me anyway. As long as I kept myself on track with going to church and saying my prayers, I thought I was set. This was my life... for nearly 18 years. Nothing really changed much.
Starting my junior year of high school, God orchestrated a series of events that he eventually used to save me from the wretched state of my heart. Firstly, I started becoming troubled and filled with grumbling when it came to serving on my church praise team. I wanted to play more contemporary, upbeat songs yet our pastor would stick to hymns. Consequently, I eventually quit praise team junior year of high school and stopped attending the youth group. I limited "church" to 1 hour per week on Sunday listening to a Korean sermon given by my parent's pastor in the Korean congregation. At this point, I was also beginning to doubt the existence of God. Or, if he does exist, I asked, "Why does he not know what I want? Why does he put these bothersome people in my life, especially in the church?". My fear of God at this point also had shrunk considerably. I no longer felt obligated to pray outside of church. The facade of my true heart condition was starting to show its true colors. Nearly every Sunday morning, I got into an argument with my dad. I refused to attend the Korean service for it was useless for me and often pretended that I was sick. My dad would eventually drag me to church. But it was a weekly war with my parents ever since I quit praise team. That year was the first year I didn't do anything for my dad on his birthday.
Then, in the middle of my junior year, God did something unexpected. My dad passed away that year a week after his birthday due to an accident. My dad was perfectly healthy, in fact, his health condition according to doctors were much better than most men that were approaching age 50. The concept that my dad would pass on into eternity that quickly was unanticipated. My dad was also the first family death I have ever witnessed in my life. I was utterly stunned and broken. I felt empty and frightened. My pride, possessions, academics, nothing really mattered at this point. Trauma prevention specialist ladies called me, and counselers, psychiatrists met with me... their attempts to try and comfort me were futile. In fact, they just made me more angry. They would say "It's okay. I know how you feel... it'll be all better in 1 or 2 years don't worry." No. NO. You DON'T know how I feel. You have NO idea AT ALL. How can you guarantee that it'll be better in 1 to 2 years? How can I trust your word? Especially, how all these people just focused only on ME. Made me more angry as well. I don't care about me right now. What about my dad? Was he going to be okay? I didn't even tell him happy birthday this year...? Where is he now? I felt that it was my fault that my dad passed away. I could've done something.
In these difficult, unstable, and unpredictable times, the only thing that brought me true comfort was the unchanging word of God. I am especially grateful for particular members of family and friends who took time to minister to me. Explain to me that my dad passed on into heaven. Where there is no pain or sorrow... perfect union with the creator. He didn't have to deal with disobedient children, nor take on the burden of having to make a living for his family anymore because he was in the Lord's presence. The very thought of my dad being in such a place brought me enormous comfort. Knowing that my dad was in a better place, I was able to let go and recover emotionally from the loss. Not the counselors. Not the psychiatrists. Only God lifted me up from that state.
Also, since then, God saved me from my wretched state. Through my father's death, He revealed in my heart just how great and mighty He is. God's sovereignty is not only evident physically in creation, but also in how he has dominion over life and death. Since there is no order to who God will take next, I've learned that the very fact that we are all alive and breathing on this Earth alone is a fact to be very grateful to God for. God also revealed to me that it was HIM who has been sustaining me all along all this time. Not my great grandpa, not my smartness, not my righteousness, but only him. I had no confidence to live this life by myself anymore. I was so fallible, so weak, so fragile. Compared to the splendor of God's majesty, I was nothing.
By senior year of high school, God convicted me of my sinfulness and I became completely dependent on Him. I died the day that Jesus Christ entered my heart. His blood, has paid the price for my sins. His cross has shown me a new Godward direction for my life... becoming conformed to His image. His grace and mercy, continues to astound me... that he would accept sinners like us to be heirs to His eternal kingdom.
Though I did become saved by my senior year of high school, my growth in the spirit has been poor due to the lack of accountability and fellowship. I didn't really fully plug myself back into my home church ever since the incident, nor did I really want to share about my painful testimony so I remained quiet and believed that I can do the solo Christian walk.
God, yet again, revealed to me that I was wrong when He sovereignly placed me in San Diego for college. By His sovereign will, I was introduced to Lighthouse Bible Church at the beginning of winter quarter of last year. Since then, God has grown me so much through the accountability, teachings, and loving care of the church family here. At lighthouse, I rediscovered the importance of the gospel message and developed a stronger sense of brokenness for the lost. Most of all, I was so encouraged by how the brothers and sisters here truly work for the glory of Christ. At lighthouse, the main motive behind all ministries are unquestionably directed toward God and revealing His glory through the MVP statement that members strive to live out. Each and every single member I have met here at Lighthouse showed me an incredible amount of love and patience that I have not seen before.
I am so excited now to spread the gospel and work for His glory. Whatever it may be, I seek to die to myself to gain in Christ. I desire to grow and walk in the spirit and bear good fruit. I know this is not an easy undertaking but I lean on a God who is so much greater than my problems. It is such a privilege to be serving the highest calling in the universe. Though I still constantly struggle with pride, idolatry, anger, and other desires of the flesh, I am glad because my eternal security is with God and I take assurance in that. I am glad that salvation is not of my doing, because if that was so, I would fall soo short.
I would like to thank the Pastors at LBC for continuing to invest in us so that we may walk as a unified body. Also I would like to thank my small group leader Ryan Short and other brothers and sisters at LBC, who also have been investing so much time in me and continuing to be used by God to convict my heart and keep me accountable. In particular I really like the food. It's very encouraging. =)
Titus 3:3-7
" 3For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another.
4But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared,
5He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,
6whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
7so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. "
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